Well, this wasn't just "one of those days". No. This was THE day. This was one of those days that I wish I could just wipe my miserable existence off this planet. It's just not how a human, nay, a child of God, should act. My anxiety and my temper not only got the better of me, they controlled me. And It. Was. Ugly. I was ugly.
I would like to start of by saying (not as an excuse, but fact) that whatever type of hormones go on with having a girl, it is horrific. I feel like a hormonal, 16 year old girl to the most extreme levels. The amount of emotions that I am constantly having to contain is unreal, folks.
Today was our trip to Marine World. This was a big day. We've never been in a situation financially to do extra stuff. We've also never had jobs where it's easy to take a day off. So to finally be able to do something with our 2.5 year old was just to exciting. Especially when it is something we knew he would just LOVE. (hello elephants) so we (my parents, T and I, as we were meeting Mr. G) leave a little before nap time so T can have a good nap and feel refreshed for his first big adventure.
Well circumstances happen and after only a 30 minute nap with an hour left in the trip, he wakes up. I try my best to remain calm and beg through my tears for him to please please please go back to sleep.
My child has never gone back to sleep once he awakens. Never. And so he didn't.
By the time we met up at Mr. G's apartment, I was holding so much anger and resentment in toward the situation that all I could think was "I need a pillow. I need to scream". Just get it out and move along with the day. Well after a series of yet even more bothersome circumstances, that didn't happen either, so here I am standing in a parking lot, screaming out of frustration. *My mother claims I drew attention from the neighbors and was "making a scene". I never turned to find out.*
I've had this type of reaction before. It is like an out of body experience, and not in a good way. I can see myself lashing out so horribly and no matter how my mind battles itself, I Just. Can't. Stop.
Ok... so now we are finally loaded up in the car again and on the last leg of the journey. I've had my moment and although the air was feeling a mite awkward, we were all trying to move on. So we get there and eat and after getting separated and meeting up again, it just hits me. I'm angry. I'm anxious. T is beyond exhausted and it's only just started. So as we are standing in line to ride the elephants, the most important part of the day, I snap. It's like a switch. I can't bring myself to see past the red and my own expectations. The week of mental preparedness for this day goes through my head. Why couldn't it of just gone right? This scene was much quiter than the last. But more deadly. Deadly to the spirit of joy. Deadly to my son's and husband's excitement. Deadly to my soul. I take a moment and walk out of the line. I stand there to the side and battle myself. I know this is completely and utterly ridiculous and I need to get this under control. I am better than this. Better than this sin and its hold on me. Better than my pride. I need to be better than it, if not for me, for my son. To be the Godly mother I am called to be.
I almost didn't go on the elephant. I'm so stubborn like that. But I did and thank God.
Afterwards there were some frustrated words exchanged between my mother and I. Again, I removed myself from the group and just had to walk alone, reminding myself of how fun the elephant ride was and how that could be the rest of the day. I watched my son thrive through his tired red eyes, and wondered why I couldn't simply enjoy it with him. And so, I said a prayer, and it was gone. Replaced with the peace I so desperately seek after.
I'm happy to say the rest of the day was a wonderful time filled with dancing dolphins, surprise rain showers, and lots and lots of train rides.
And yet, in leaving, the guilt rush happened. Me, in tears, walking with my mother and being so upset over almost ruining that elephant ride. My mother reminded me it is always so much harder to forgive yourself. But so necessary.
I still feel sick to my stomach over how worldly sins can have such a hold me. Even more so because I try SO hard to fight. I don't sit and let it happen. I recognize it and try my best to press through it. Yet somehow, I lose. And more so than being tired of the fight, I'm tired of losing.
So here I am, bearing my darkest moments. The embarrassing moments when I'm not the mother, wife, or daughter I want and strive to be.
Trust me, we're all still learning. There have been so many moments that I've blown up in anger at the kids for whatever and heard myself acting like a child myself in response to them. I *know* better, but there's the old self, entrenched in sin, selfish in her ambitions. Praise the Lord that there is forgiveness at the cross! I've learned with kids and field trips to just go with the flow. You will all have a lot more fun. And naps rarely go as you hope ;).
ReplyDeleteThanks Victoria! Yes, praise the Lord! And you would think after 2.5 years of having such a tough napper, I would be more flexible! But it is all a process, that's for sure. ;)
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